Here comes Becky

I bought “The Secret” about a month ago and I watched most of it, but I never finished it.  I thought that I got the jist of it, because the laws of the Universe weren’t a totally new concept for me.  Tonight I watched the whole thing and I saw what I was not ready to see then.  It was one simple sentence.  “It is not your job to change the world.  It is not your job to change those around you.”  Up until tonight, I really did think it was MY job to change the world.  This thought consumed me so many times.  It consumed me into a state of stagnation.  Nothing I could ever think to do was good enough.  I had these enormous dreams of changing the world and no steps I ever made seemed worthy of anything, because there was always someone doing “more”….so I took no steps at all.
I remember during one of my trips back home, I got into a bit of an argument with my parents and I remember my mom asking me, “what are YOU doing?”  I was floored, in that moment I let every thought and feeling of love that I have ever experienced be minimalized and diminished because I thought it would never be good enough.  That since I wasn’t working towards a “cause” that I wasn’t doing anything of value…..I betrayed myself that day, and today I forgive myself for that betrayal and for every other time I have betrayed myself by not living my truth.
My truth is that these feelings of joy and love and gratitude that guide my days IS what life is all about.  Today I allow myself to live.  Today I make changing myself the only job I have in this Universe.  My only job is to be the most amazing Becky I can ever invision…..and this is the ONLY way I will ever change the world.
Tuesday I leave for New York.  I’ve never been to New York…..I never really had much of a desire to travel before, but I crave it now.  I’ve traveled so many places in my mind and my heart over the past few years and now it is time to experience this world for myself.  New York is like my “kick off”.  The kick off for my new life.  I will see this world and see the poeple in it and all the beauty that has been created for us to experience and this will be my job and my reward will be immeasurable.  My life will no longer be measured by what I’m doing or by how much I am giving, but by what I am experiencing and recieving.  It is only through this that I will become the Becky who is worthy of changing the world, and just as I can and will change, so will the world.
Hello New York, hello world, and hello Universe cause here I come……and in the worlds of my beautiful girlfriend whom I am extremely gratefull for…..you’re not ready for this
Namaste!!!!!!!

I have the most amazing parents

So I just got off the phone with my parents and I had to ask a favor that I didn’t really want to ask. Partly because they have helped me out so much already and partly because honestly I didn’t want to hear the lecture and the judgements of my life (although I fully know that they aren’t judgements they are simply parental worries, and valid ones at that). I started to talk to my mom and I could tell that she was holding back her criticism of my life choices, or at least trying to, so I decided that I wanted to hear it. It was pretty much what I expected, it focused on the choices I’ve made since graduating college and my continued refusal to get a “real” job……please keep in mind my mom is an amazing woman and through all this she continues to reassure me that she loves me no matter what and all she ever wants for me is to be happy…..anyway, we got through it and I felt really good after. Then I got on the phone with my step dad and what I thought was going to be quite the battle turned out to be a heartfelt uplifting conversation. He is a truly remarkable, one of a kind man who really “gets it”.
……What I realized was this……during the past few years, through all this growth and awakening that I’ve been going through, I have been feeling like I was slipping further and further away from my parents. I felt like they just don’t understand me and we just have completely opposite ideas about life and because of that we will never be close like we were when I was a little girl and simply took everything they said as gospel. This thought has saddened me more than I ever realized, until today. I kept burring it and dismissing it as something that I didn’t need in my life (yeah right), but the thought of not being close to the people who raised me and sacrifice for me and taught me more than I will ever even know…..that thought is just not ok with me. What I realized tonight was that the only reason they don’t know who I am, and the reason why I have been feeling this distance between us is because of me. I can talk for days about my theories, my thoughts on life, on beauty and God and love and everyone I talk to about it can see that it all comes from a place of pure love…..and most people who love me can see that I have big dreams, and most of them believe that I will accomplish big things……All this, all these thoughts and feelings and ideas on life….my beliefs….are all within me but I’m still at a stage where there isn’t a lot to “show” for it. I figured out tonight that I don’t allow myself to fully show myself to my parents because, it’s not that their opinion of me doesn’t matter, but in fact that their opinion matters the most and to have them question my beliefs before I have “proof” for them (whatever that might be) would just devastate me. I think I’m babbling a bit, but I explained this a little bit to my step dad and he got it……and I cried……I told him that I know I’ll get to a place where I feel “stable” enough to reveal myself to them fully….and he said “I know you will too”…..and I cried some more. For a man who says so very few emotional words, he sure does pick the perfect ones when he does.
Tonight was the reminder that I needed that no matter what we think, our parents do accept us fully and unconditionally. There may be issues (theirs or ours) that stand in the way of fully showing it, but if you look…..REALLY look, you’ll find it. I feel very happy that I looked tonight, it reminded me that I have the most amazingly perfect parents for me.