I have the most amazing parents
So I just got off the phone with my parents and I had to ask a favor that I didn’t really want to ask. Partly because they have helped me out so much already and partly because honestly I didn’t want to hear the lecture and the judgements of my life (although I fully know that they aren’t judgements they are simply parental worries, and valid ones at that). I started to talk to my mom and I could tell that she was holding back her criticism of my life choices, or at least trying to, so I decided that I wanted to hear it. It was pretty much what I expected, it focused on the choices I’ve made since graduating college and my continued refusal to get a “real” job……please keep in mind my mom is an amazing woman and through all this she continues to reassure me that she loves me no matter what and all she ever wants for me is to be happy…..anyway, we got through it and I felt really good after. Then I got on the phone with my step dad and what I thought was going to be quite the battle turned out to be a heartfelt uplifting conversation. He is a truly remarkable, one of a kind man who really “gets it”.
……What I realized was this……during the past few years, through all this growth and awakening that I’ve been going through, I have been feeling like I was slipping further and further away from my parents. I felt like they just don’t understand me and we just have completely opposite ideas about life and because of that we will never be close like we were when I was a little girl and simply took everything they said as gospel. This thought has saddened me more than I ever realized, until today. I kept burring it and dismissing it as something that I didn’t need in my life (yeah right), but the thought of not being close to the people who raised me and sacrifice for me and taught me more than I will ever even know…..that thought is just not ok with me. What I realized tonight was that the only reason they don’t know who I am, and the reason why I have been feeling this distance between us is because of me. I can talk for days about my theories, my thoughts on life, on beauty and God and love and everyone I talk to about it can see that it all comes from a place of pure love…..and most people who love me can see that I have big dreams, and most of them believe that I will accomplish big things……All this, all these thoughts and feelings and ideas on life….my beliefs….are all within me but I’m still at a stage where there isn’t a lot to “show” for it. I figured out tonight that I don’t allow myself to fully show myself to my parents because, it’s not that their opinion of me doesn’t matter, but in fact that their opinion matters the most and to have them question my beliefs before I have “proof” for them (whatever that might be) would just devastate me. I think I’m babbling a bit, but I explained this a little bit to my step dad and he got it……and I cried……I told him that I know I’ll get to a place where I feel “stable” enough to reveal myself to them fully….and he said “I know you will too”…..and I cried some more. For a man who says so very few emotional words, he sure does pick the perfect ones when he does.
Tonight was the reminder that I needed that no matter what we think, our parents do accept us fully and unconditionally. There may be issues (theirs or ours) that stand in the way of fully showing it, but if you look…..REALLY look, you’ll find it. I feel very happy that I looked tonight, it reminded me that I have the most amazingly perfect parents for me.
