I have the most amazing parents

So I just got off the phone with my parents and I had to ask a favor that I didn’t really want to ask. Partly because they have helped me out so much already and partly because honestly I didn’t want to hear the lecture and the judgements of my life (although I fully know that they aren’t judgements they are simply parental worries, and valid ones at that). I started to talk to my mom and I could tell that she was holding back her criticism of my life choices, or at least trying to, so I decided that I wanted to hear it. It was pretty much what I expected, it focused on the choices I’ve made since graduating college and my continued refusal to get a “real” job……please keep in mind my mom is an amazing woman and through all this she continues to reassure me that she loves me no matter what and all she ever wants for me is to be happy…..anyway, we got through it and I felt really good after. Then I got on the phone with my step dad and what I thought was going to be quite the battle turned out to be a heartfelt uplifting conversation. He is a truly remarkable, one of a kind man who really “gets it”.
……What I realized was this……during the past few years, through all this growth and awakening that I’ve been going through, I have been feeling like I was slipping further and further away from my parents. I felt like they just don’t understand me and we just have completely opposite ideas about life and because of that we will never be close like we were when I was a little girl and simply took everything they said as gospel. This thought has saddened me more than I ever realized, until today. I kept burring it and dismissing it as something that I didn’t need in my life (yeah right), but the thought of not being close to the people who raised me and sacrifice for me and taught me more than I will ever even know…..that thought is just not ok with me. What I realized tonight was that the only reason they don’t know who I am, and the reason why I have been feeling this distance between us is because of me. I can talk for days about my theories, my thoughts on life, on beauty and God and love and everyone I talk to about it can see that it all comes from a place of pure love…..and most people who love me can see that I have big dreams, and most of them believe that I will accomplish big things……All this, all these thoughts and feelings and ideas on life….my beliefs….are all within me but I’m still at a stage where there isn’t a lot to “show” for it. I figured out tonight that I don’t allow myself to fully show myself to my parents because, it’s not that their opinion of me doesn’t matter, but in fact that their opinion matters the most and to have them question my beliefs before I have “proof” for them (whatever that might be) would just devastate me. I think I’m babbling a bit, but I explained this a little bit to my step dad and he got it……and I cried……I told him that I know I’ll get to a place where I feel “stable” enough to reveal myself to them fully….and he said “I know you will too”…..and I cried some more. For a man who says so very few emotional words, he sure does pick the perfect ones when he does.
Tonight was the reminder that I needed that no matter what we think, our parents do accept us fully and unconditionally. There may be issues (theirs or ours) that stand in the way of fully showing it, but if you look…..REALLY look, you’ll find it. I feel very happy that I looked tonight, it reminded me that I have the most amazingly perfect parents for me.

Lady in the Water

I just finished watching “The Lady in the Water” my M. Night Shymalan.  I saw it on the Blockbuster shelf for a very long time, but I was told by everyone I asked about it that it was a really bad movie. Then I was told to watch it by my teacher but watch it from a higher level, from a more spiritual level.  He made the point that people are watching it at a very mundane level and judging it as a bad movie….so I decided to judge for myself.
As like many things in life, I can’t describe the feelings that I had while watching it, but it was just a feeling.  Actually, it was very well described in the movie as a “pins and needles” feeling.  I’m not going to get into plot and analysis, because it’s just not my thing.  All I can talk about is what it made me think and how it made me feel. 
……I don’t know exactly how to put this down in words……
I have this feeling inside me.  It’s a feeling that started when I moved to San Diego and with time and with more and more people that I am introduced to, the feeling only grows.  It’s a feeling of great change in this world.  It’s a feeling of ballance, like two sides silently battling and the outcome will determine how we define ourselves as humans and where we go from here.  Things just aren’t working anymore…..look around.  More and more people are starting to become awakened, how about you?  Are you awake or are you still sleeping through life?  Why are you here?  What is your purpose?  Is getting “ahead” in your job so you can retire and live securely really doing it for you?  Where has our spirituality gone?  Not our religion, but our true connection to LIFE?  We have these amazing indicators that we were born with, our own little cumpas but do we listen to it?  When was the last time you stoped to really “listen” and pay attention to your emotions?  Ask yourself a question…..do I like my job?  how do you FEEL???  What’s the purpose of emotions if we’re not listening to them??? 
We go to war over religion.  We actually kill our brothers and sisters because we believe in a God that would be so egotistical as to actually need  us to strike down anyone who didn’t show praise……do you really want to believe that we were created by that????
……Back to the movie…..
One of the aspects that really touched me and hit home was the fact that these great changes that were going to happen in the world were due to the acts of simple “average” people.  It wasn’t some trojan with buldging muscles or this rich white male.  I heard once that true greatness comes in very humble forms, and I believe it.  We go to church and honor these great heros from the bible, and we are so quick to forget that they were once very ordinary…..Jesus was a carpenter…..yet we refuse to recognize this kind of greatness in ourselves.  Yet a time is coming…..I feel it in every pin and needle in my body…..a time when us ordinary people are going to have to start recognizing and owning up to our own greatness and start believing in miracles.

Kids can be so cruel

Ok, so it’s 4:20 AM and I’m a little amped up on Red Bull, so forgive me if this comes out a little choppy……
I was hanging out with my breathtakingly beautiful girlfriend and she told me about this friend she had who had six toes on her right foot….which naturally led to us talking about how cruel kids can be with teasing and what-not. Then I had a little epiphany……we are born so perfect and full of love and purity. We don’t know what it means to be a different color, race, religion, rich, poor (you get my point) all we know is that we’re perfect and happy and as far as we know, so is everyone else. Then what do we do with these angelic creatures? We put them in sports, spelling B’s, coloring contests, beauty contests, you name it. With our adult minds we think that it’s just harmless competition and it’s healthy for them. The problem is that we forget that they don’t have adult minds. What kind of messages are we sending them? We embed it in their heads that they have to compete for everything…..to get ahead, to be the best, and that being the best is the only way to be worth anything. Then we act so shocked when they compete (and kill) over territories. It’s front page news when companies embezzle millions of dollars to have more than everyone else. We go to war fighting over precious oil…..we even kill entire populations of people just because they have the audacity to think that their God is better than ours…….why are we so surprised?
We live in a world of such abundance, (if you disagree, let’s talk about how many houses Donald Trump alone has) yet we can’t seem to solve the simple problem of ending starvation. We’re still competing over everything, even the most basic needs that everyone deserves, acting like children. We are such an arrogant race. With all the knowledge that we think we have, we still act so primitive. It’s this arrogance that keeps us from evolving. We’re still stuck in Kindergarten fighting over the last Oreo, yet we think we’ve just graduated college. So when will it end? When will we stop reinforcing in our children all these ugly traits we try to rid ourselves of as adults? I say, how about NOW!!!!

Kids can be so cruel

Ok, so it’s 4:20 AM and I’m a little amped up on Red Bull, so forgive me if this comes out a little choppy……
I was hanging out with my breathtakingly beautiful girlfriend and she told me about this friend she had who had six toes on her right foot….which naturally led to us talking about how cruel kids can be with teasing and what-not. Then I had a little epiphany……we are born so perfect and full of love and purity. We don’t know what it means to be a different color, race, religion, rich, poor (you get my point) all we know is that we’re perfect and happy and as far as we know, so is everyone else. Then what do we do with these angelic creatures? We put them in sports, spelling B’s, coloring contests, beauty contests, you name it. With our adult minds we think that it’s just harmless competition and it’s healthy for them. The problem is that we forget that they don’t have adult minds. What kind of messages are we sending them? We embed it in their heads that they have to compete for everything…..to get ahead, to be the best, and that being the best is the only way to be worth anything. Then we act so shocked when they compete (and kill) over territories. It’s front page news when companies embezzle millions of dollars to have more than everyone else. We go to war fighting over precious oil…..we even kill entire populations of people just because they have the audacity to think that their God is better than ours…….why are we so surprised?
We live in a world of such abundance, (if you disagree, let’s talk about how many houses Donald Trump alone has) yet we can’t seem to solve the simple problem of ending starvation. We’re still competing over everything, even the most basic needs that everyone deserves, acting like children. We are such an arrogant race. With all the knowledge that we think we have, we still act so primitive. It’s this arrogance that keeps us from evolving. We’re still stuck in Kindergarten fighting over the last Oreo, yet we think we’ve just graduated college. So when will it end? When will we stop reinforcing in our children all these ugly traits we try to rid ourselves of as adults? I say, how about NOW!!!!

Silent so long….

Ok, so it’s been quite a little while since I’ve felt like writting one of these….but the time has come.  Last night I was lying in bed watching a movie,  I was watching “Jesus Camp”, heard of it?  I was appauled.  The movie was brilliantly done, but the content is what shook me and kept me on the edge of the bed.  If you haven’t heard about it, it’s a portrait of the Evangelical Christians that seem to be taking over the world as well as American politics….Now anyone who knows me knows that I am not a political person at all, but it would take someone deaf and dumb not to notice where things are going in this country.  The Presidency belongs to an idiot (who is strongly supported by these crazy Christians), the majority of the law makers are swingin towards the right, our right to choose what we do with our body is at stake, and the thought of amending the constitution to make gay marrage illegal is actually GAINING popularity….WTF!!??!!??
I digress…..back to the movie.  The main woman featured in the film is training kinds to be a “soldier in God’s army”….these little 5 year olds are crying because they think they have sinned and need to repent, it’ll blow your mind.  I can’t even begin to explain to you what is being brainwashed into these kids (like global warming isn’t real and creationism is the only explaination that makes sence).  Now, I would never be one to tell someone that their path to God is the wrong one, because I believe that there are MANY paths and every one is perfect as long as it’s your own, I won’t even make fun of the Christian songs they “dance” to or the Pledge Allegence to the Christian flag….
….The whole thing just made me really sad.  Here are these amazing kids who have intensity and dedication and could do great things with their lives, and yet they are focused on the fact that the only two kinds of people in the world are people who love Jesus and people who don’t….they are being beaten in the head with it’s “us against them” and IT IS WAR!!!…..
I kinda feel it coming though.  There will be a war.  Both the extreme left and the extreme right are tired of this “sick ole world” (as the preacher lady so elequintly put it) and think that their way is “the truth”…..so here we have these “good Christians” preparing for war, and God knows the anarchists and extreme lefts have been ready for war for a long time……
……I say let them have their war, because all us New Ageies will be meditating under a tree when it happens and we’ll end up inheriting the whole world….and there will be peace and happiness for all
…..So I finished the movie with Ted something or other telling me that homosexuality is wrong because it says so in the bible (of course it also says not to eat shell fish but I’m sure God didn’t really mean thar one when he said it, right) and I spent the rest of the afternoon having sex with my girlfriend while taking the lord’s name in vein…..isn’t America great!!!!!

Silent so long….

Ok, so it’s been quite a little while since I’ve felt like writting one of these….but the time has come.  Last night I was lying in bed watching a movie,  I was watching “Jesus Camp”, heard of it?  I was appauled.  The movie was brilliantly done, but the content is what shook me and kept me on the edge of the bed.  If you haven’t heard about it, it’s a portrait of the Evangelical Christians that seem to be taking over the world as well as American politics….Now anyone who knows me knows that I am not a political person at all, but it would take someone deaf and dumb not to notice where things are going in this country.  The Presidency belongs to an idiot (who is strongly supported by these crazy Christians), the majority of the law makers are swingin towards the right, our right to choose what we do with our body is at stake, and the thought of amending the constitution to make gay marrage illegal is actually GAINING popularity….WTF!!??!!??
I digress…..back to the movie.  The main woman featured in the film is training kinds to be a “soldier in God’s army”….these little 5 year olds are crying because they think they have sinned and need to repent, it’ll blow your mind.  I can’t even begin to explain to you what is being brainwashed into these kids (like global warming isn’t real and creationism is the only explaination that makes sence).  Now, I would never be one to tell someone that their path to God is the wrong one, because I believe that there are MANY paths and every one is perfect as long as it’s your own, I won’t even make fun of the Christian songs they “dance” to or the Pledge Allegence to the Christian flag….
….The whole thing just made me really sad.  Here are these amazing kids who have intensity and dedication and could do great things with their lives, and yet they are focused on the fact that the only two kinds of people in the world are people who love Jesus and people who don’t….they are being beaten in the head with it’s “us against them” and IT IS WAR!!!…..
I kinda feel it coming though.  There will be a war.  Both the extreme left and the extreme right are tired of this “sick ole world” (as the preacher lady so elequintly put it) and think that their way is “the truth”…..so here we have these “good Christians” preparing for war, and God knows the anarchists and extreme lefts have been ready for war for a long time……
……I say let them have their war, because all us New Ageies will be meditating under a tree when it happens and we’ll end up inheriting the whole world….and there will be peace and happiness for all
…..So I finished the movie with Ted something or other telling me that homosexuality is wrong because it says so in the bible (of course it also says not to eat shell fish but I’m sure God didn’t really mean thar one when he said it, right) and I spent the rest of the afternoon having sex with my girlfriend while taking the lord’s name in vein…..isn’t America great!!!!!

Skydiving with your heart

Why is everyone so afraid of love? What exactly is so scary about it? I was at lunch today with a certain someone who kinda makes my heart race…..only a tiny little bit though (I wouldn’t want any inflated egos now would I and I was looking out the window thinking “what’s the big deal? I’m sitting here with someone who makes me feel good just by being around me….how could this be scary? I think it’s so amusing that we jump out of planes, attach ourselves to rubber bands and jump off bridges….we drive too fast (and sometimes under the influence)….we eat things that aren’t exactly healthy, and smoke things that are even worse. We do such terrible things to our extremely fragile bodies, and yet we are scared to death to take chances with our hearts…..our fearless, invincible hearts. I think one of the reasons why we experience such heartbreaks is not because love is a painful or scary thing….I think it’s because we deprive our hearts of the one thing that it desires more than anything (another soul to connect with and with whom to express the immense amount of love contained within) for so long…..then we finally let go and allow ourselves to open up, and our hearts sing…..our heart screams from the deepest depths…..FINALLY!!!!!!……Then it ends…….

…….And the pain begins……

…….And the pain goes on…..and on…..and on…..

…….Until we are ready to let go again and open up (and most likely not quite as open as the last time)……

……..I don’t think the pain we go through is because the relationship was meant to last forever, and something “went wrong”…..I think the pain, the heartbreak, is because our soul finally felt a little taste of what it’s meant to feel all the time and when it ends it cries at the idea of having to wait so long again to FEEL……

…….Our eyes were given to us to see, and we look fearlessly and without discresion, we don’t save our vision for the “one” thing we are meant to look upon, we see the beauty in all (or at least try to)…..

……..Our nose was given to us to smell things, and we smell fearlessly and without discression (even when walking down certain streets downtown we wish we could turn it down a little bit at least), but we don’t save our experience for the “one” thing we will smell for the rest of our lives……

……..I could go on to all the other senses, but I think you get the point. Our heart was meant to experience LOVE….love for ourselves first, then move on to share that experience with others. I think we wouldn’t be so stuck on the idea of “the one” if it didn’t take us so long to let go and open up in the first place……if you think your heart cries and breaks at the loss of a lover, just think about how it cries and aches every time your mind and your fears push a potential lover away……just a thought, thank you for listening…..NAMASTE